I Can't Seem to Stop

I've been here before,
I've said this before,
I've hurt people before

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop

I have breached the heavy walls that seperate self from others
Let a spark of light disrupt the steady darkness of my self-imposed night
I have dared to believe that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to be alone

And for some reason, I can't seem to stop

I have relished the flavor of new connection, a yet undiscovered soul
I have pulled back the curtain, to give the fortunate few a glimpse of the woman behind
I have sat as eager listener, learner, observer, explorer
I have reveled in the joy of finding the familiar, the resonant, the right in another

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop

I have given way to fantasies, sweet and sultry alike
I have turned my thoughts into tendrils, sent out to tease and tempt
I have danced in heat and sex, in comfort and calm, in passion and ferocity
I have allowed the seed of hope to grow beyond my self-made cages

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop

I have spewed such poison, as could kill all the world's dreams
I have used tender hearts as foot rests and convenient crutches because I have always been broken
I have played sympathy against my apathy, and left the care of another crumpled, used and discarded like waste
I have done my worst to see if possibly, I could destroy the possibility of a lifelong friend, partner, lover, connection

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop

I have walked the long mile, scuffing my hardened feet instead of the shoes of another
I have let my laughter leave my lips, turning them to bear a heavier burden
I have let friendship fade, pushed away, and with shaking hands, tried to clean the blood in my wake
I have planted mistakes and let them mature into disasters, knowing what comes after, and praying for the destruction anyway

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop

I have painted blue skies black, uselessly swiping at the planets that pull the pain back
I have closed doors once open, building walls of brick when naive hope gets stuck in the door.
I have offered my ____ as sacrifice, praying for the necessary devices to return the disturbed earth to what it once was
I have walked away from open arms, cut ties made into lifelines, burned bridges before they were built, and returned to cursed isolation before spreading desolation

And for some reason,
I can't seem to stop