A Whole New World...

I have waded back into the waters of the academic world, and I have found it to be inviting, thus far. A new school, a new roommate, a new city. I'm doing my best to get out of my own head. I am much happier, much more free than I was only a few months ago. I am trying to maintain good habits. To make connections with others and better myself. Even so, I know I have not yet rid myself of my demons. I have learned to quiet them. To avoid disturbing their slumber. But that weakness that led me to fall the first time is still very much present. I'm not sure what to do about that.

And I find that, though I am in a healthier place, I am suddenly stuck with a desperation to connect with others. Suddenly I find myself leaping into any possible relationship I can conjure with a guy. My friends say I "just want to be loved," but I don't want to want that. It breeds weakness and dependence. It means I sacrifice what is genuine in me in a pitiful attempt to draw and keep the attention of another human being.

It's a sinister, recurring loop. I don't want to be interested in finding a partner, or someone to love, because I hate who I become. Caring about someone changes me. It makes me pitiful, vulnerable and stupid. Take, for example, my current person of interest. He lives in a different state, a different city, and basically ignores me. I'd be better off just moving on and ending all contact. But I saw something in him...

That's the thing. I always see something in the other person. I see the potential for greatness and I cling to that.

"We're not that close"

I've heard that so many times, it can't even make me sick anymore. 

I'm never close enough.

I don't know why I'm stupid enough to keep trying. To keep believing that "maybe this time" that line won't be drawn. I guess I'm figuring it out now. The line doesn't have to be drawn. It's a permanent fixture. Like a creature on display, I stare out at the souls that pass me by. 

Sometimes they simply glance in my direction. Sometimes they don't look at all. On occasion, they approach, put their hand up to the glass and gaze at me on the other side. And when I touch the other side, for an instant, we are connected. We share our amazement at that contact, a bridging of differences that makes us one...but only for a short while. I can only hold their interest for so long before they move on. Pulled by time, fate, friends...things more important. Things on their side of the glass. Sure, I stand as a witness to the lives of hundreds. I play shape-shifter. Turning into whatever my audience needs me to be. I am counselor, benefactor, magician, friend, but I'm never close enough. 

What is the secret, then? When do I qualify for the magic of being "that close"? Are we all just floating in some sort of relational ether that separates of from one another eternally, or is it as it seems, that I am the one that must be confined. For the good of humanity, I suppose, I must not be allowed to get "that close."

Why the heck does it matter, then? Who cares if I believe the worst of people? I've tried believing the best. Giving my all. I've tried kindness, the benefit of the doubt, being reliable, being honest, being open, being everything. And when I utter a wayward comment that reveals how much it hurts to be so alone...

"People aren't really that bad."

"You just have to believe in them."

"There will be someone out there for you to connect with."

This heart of mine can only bleed so much. 

Screw You

Screw you
Kiss me
I'm trying to forget you
but the thought of you just won't leave me
I'm better alone, please believe
I'm better alone, please believe
though my heart just won't let me leave

The silence burns
the distance stings
ghost of rejection just keep haunting me
I'm better than this
no need to just wait around
I've got my life to live
but it'd all stop if you'd just turn around

your voice is more than just a melody
it's the artful plucking of my heart strings
your face, it hides
in every shadow of my mind
so all I think
all I think
so that all I think
is that I wish you'd be mine

Screw you
Kiss me
I'm trying to forget you
but the thought of you just won't leave me
I'm better alone, please believe
I'm better alone, please believe
though my heart just won't let me leave