I have waded back into the waters of the academic world, and I have found it to be inviting, thus far. A new school, a new roommate, a new city. I'm doing my best to get out of my own head. I am much happier, much more free than I was only a few months ago. I am trying to maintain good habits. To make connections with others and better myself. Even so, I know I have not yet rid myself of my demons. I have learned to quiet them. To avoid disturbing their slumber. But that weakness that led me to fall the first time is still very much present. I'm not sure what to do about that.
And I find that, though I am in a healthier place, I am suddenly stuck with a desperation to connect with others. Suddenly I find myself leaping into any possible relationship I can conjure with a guy. My friends say I "just want to be loved," but I don't want to want that. It breeds weakness and dependence. It means I sacrifice what is genuine in me in a pitiful attempt to draw and keep the attention of another human being.
It's a sinister, recurring loop. I don't want to be interested in finding a partner, or someone to love, because I hate who I become. Caring about someone changes me. It makes me pitiful, vulnerable and stupid. Take, for example, my current person of interest. He lives in a different state, a different city, and basically ignores me. I'd be better off just moving on and ending all contact. But I saw something in him...
That's the thing. I always see something in the other person. I see the potential for greatness and I cling to that.
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